It's complicated.

I'm not sure how I should start the first post in 2014. It's suppose to be an update that's cheerful. But that wasn't why the reason I've decided to write this post. I need to let out what I feel, and it isn't anything near happy. But first, an update.

I've deleted most of my previous post. I want to start fresh, leaving the past behind. I have a feeling that this year is going to be different. I'm turning officially 21 in a few months, and will be officially graduating in July too. Finals was just over and I already planned not to continue pursuing my degree. Hence, I'll be working full time very soon. But in the mean time, I'm giving myself a break, but of course I'll be working part time. I guess I need to take a breathe from the few years of always knowing that I have something that I need to do, always having a packed schedule. But now, I don't know what's next, I have no schedule, and truly for once in my life, I have all the time in the world. I could go find mom and maybe we'd go lunch together, I could go shopping, I could read all day, I could catch movies, I could go to the beach, I could hang out with friends. I could do anything I want. If I have enough money now, I'd probably be flying off tomorrow to an island or any other places that I want to go. But unfortunately, that isn't going to happen yet. The first thing I need to do now is save up for travelling if I wanna leave Malaysia for a while.

Is this the time where I find what I really want to be? Where I want to go? What I want to do? Is this the feeling of taking a gap year exploring what I like? If it is, I seriously regret of not taking a gap year after graduating. I jumped right into university after graduating from high school just because everyone thinks I should. I never gave myself enough time to think through of what I like. I just went by what everyone thinks I should do. It didn't end well, I wasn't mentally prepared to start pursuing a higher education. My exam results were bad, and I end up dropping out from the university and joining another. Honestly speaking, I had a great time at the second college. I focused a lot more as I did in the previous one. I learnt a lot and most importantly, I had fun. A lot of fun. I tried a lot of things and it helped me so much more in learning what I enjoy doing. I found out being a radio DJ was fun, I have more interest in the movie industry, and most of all, I found the motivation in becoming a photographer. I've always like taking photos, but I never had a proper lesson in it. But there was two subjects for photography that I took when I was studying. I learn a lot but unfortunately, not much to the point that I know how to shoot in a studio because our college didn't have a studio. Ending the life of almost 3 years as a broadcasting student, I certainly learnt a lot and I thank the lecturers and tutors that taught me.

Anyway, this post seems to be mashed up of my latest situation and how I'm feeling. It's complicated now, of what I'm feeling.